update part 2: that being said, I think it's helpful to talk about mental health like a round of antibiotics: just because the infection looks like it's gone doesn't mean you stop taking the antibiotics 🧐

update: talk about non-zero
grad school keeps you way too busy to feel too sad for too long
✌️ everything is good right now and teaching brings me so much joy
also I've lost weight, gained muscle, and am much healthier now that I bike everywhere

tw for mental health status 

day 54: to know one's self is to know one must go back on medication even if it's been 4 years and this will probably pass

day 50: holy doodles!!!

here's to not doing nothing for 51 days! 🍻

when I find myself sad again I remind myself of this fun fact

day 48b: I've also been eating way healthier! I don't think I meant to, it just kind of worked out that way

day 48: first day off in a while

total couch day but I made breakfast

also, pretty gross to think this was never the case but am brushing my teeth regularly πŸ˜… celebrating the little things...

day 38: work... finally got sick... my trip is tomorrow fml


I like having a job bc it forces me to do laundry and take showers regularly

also it's nice to leave the house and then come back and be able to notice if my surroundings smell or if all the fire exits are somehow blocked by clutter

bad feels warning 

aghhh sinking sense of impending doom in my stomach and chest but nothing in my environment is wrong

progress is incremental, progress is additive...


day 37: had the day off -- slept half the day BUT

- had a "virtual tour" on Skype of one of my prospective campuses
- drove the partner to and from exams and did some crisis control
- got the really gross pots and pans and dishes done

go me! πŸ€—

invasive thoughts 

honestly the angel and devil on the shoulders are a reality and are such a fucking nightmare

except my angel is soundbites from cbt and my devil is a dysthymic broken record

day 36 cont'd: I think that something I haven't prepared myself to come to terms with is accepting motivation as a game of snakes and ladders

Getting a job is like hitting a ladder, but now that it's my new normal, I'm seriously at risk of stagnating into a new low and I need to start moving forward again

Likewise, I might hit a snake in the future but I can't accept that as the finite end

Nothing is ever as good or as bad as I think it is

day 36: boy oh boy have I slacked on this! I was never good at keeping diaries as a kid

Every day has been basically like this: get up - go to work - come home - couch potato

I often feel like a spectator in my own life

So much of what I experience is so distant and detached

I just gotta keep on wading through I think


day 21: I worked my first shift at a new job! 😊

I'm wondering if this isn't so much of a nonzero challenge as it is a "say yes to everything" challenge -- there is certainly some overlap πŸ€”

day 19: I had a night out with friends! I haven't felt like a person for the first time in a while


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