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Hi. My handle is "fasciation" because my favourite flowers are fasciated.

I plan to use this handle to monitor and post about my mental well-being. Nice to meet you. (:

I did my best despite not being at my best and I stood up for myself.

I think I've gotten better at handling disappointments πŸŒΈπŸ™‚πŸŒΈ

What I have to learn is to parent myself, to comfort myself in order to better control my strong emotions. It *does not* mean I have to dismiss these feelings altogether, or cut them out.

I also have to learn to understand and *articulate* my needs and desires. Especially when, to me, it matters.

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(2) this was uncomfortable to confront. It takes root much deeper than it seems. "Sulking". It's a passive aggressive behaviour caused by an inability to properly articulate one's emotions, one's needs, or desires. I realise that this goes back to my childhood, and my parents. Children learn to sulk or throw a tantrum to get what they want, but I was spoiled whenever I did when I should have been discouraged from such behaviour.

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(1) I have been frustrated for a while now because I feel dismissed and unheard at work but, come to think of it, isn't taking on more responsibility a way for me to gain that?

Thinking about it more deeply, everything I do, I do because it's my hope to be respected. Being manipulative and sulking isn't going to get me any of that.

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Two things at play here:

(1) My unwillingness to act like "the bigger person" when it only meant more workload / succumbing to unfair treatment

And, (2) the fact that I had to sulk so openly, and for this long, despite not wanting to

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The small incident at work yesterday was that I felt a bit slighted, acted a bit manipulatively, got told off eventually, and then sulked the rest of the day. Although I tried to move past it, I found myself still wounded until today.

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Something externally minor but internally significant happened at work yesterday, and I woke up today feeling under the weather. Thanks to indecision I ultimately just called in sick for work. I used the day to rest and regain energy, and also tried to process the incident and looked inside of myself because I want to mature as a person.

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Called in sick again when I'm not really sick. I'm emotionally depleted but that's all. *Sigh* here comes the anxiety

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Trying not to feel guilty about calling in sick even though I'm not really sick. Transitioning from night shift to afternoon shift since Saturday morning is simply too awful and I have to do it every three weeks. So this is fine.

I've become too obsessed with kpop. It's really affecting my weekends. Gonna try to stop. πŸ§ πŸ—―οΈ

On the other hand, I really don't think it's that bad that I let my frustration show. I don't put "everyone else's fun" at the top of my own. I don't put mine at the top either, only that it's just as important.

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Change my thought patterns. Ok. Alright. He never said it was 100% my fault, he only meant that I could have communicated it better. And I did try to the best of my ability to do that, but next time I'll try even harder. Communicating my needs and wants properly. Very important.

Temper problems 

*sigh* lost my temper while playing card games with my step family during xmas eve. It's because I hold back a lot and suck at communicating. πŸ˜“

The cold moon πŸŒ• reminds us to reflect rather than manifest, stay present rather than spring to action, and shed unnecessary habits rather than seek new hobbies.

Feeling so insecure about my mental facilities...but it's ok. Nobody is perfect. And I've come a long way despite of it all.

Having a really good cry. But I wonder for how long I will be crying over this.

I'm going to get out of here. With my own power this time. ✊

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