Talked to my GP recently about my depression. He asked about my 'plan'. I've had the same 'plan' for years. It's well rehearsed in my mind.
it does not involve medicattion,
He knows that
Psychiatrust knows that
It's written down

GP decides to slash my meds to weekly scripts.;

Why? I have no idea.

Talk honestly to GP? Never again.

Back at my friend's place supporting her. Brings into sharp contrast how many people she has around that care about her, talk to her, recognise her and hug her compared to my bereavement experience and current life.
Not going to get down about it now, not here, but when I get home I'll feel it.

people - a question.
Do you have a need, a real deep down need, to be loved?
Not just wanted, or liked, but loved.
I know most people want to be loved but I mean a need that is integral to your being.

If you do, how do you cope when there is no-one to love you?

Nowhere online has any answers or even clues.
Nowhere offline does either.

"This too shall pass"

I know this, but it doesn't stop this being shit right now, does it?

Would really like to alter my reality for the rest of the day. All I have is 30mg tabs and 2mg tabs. Not that I ever have anything different, in fact the diazepam is new.
4:1 should do the job I reckon, put my mind in a better place for a while.

At least it's not

The conversation I had last night has opened boxes in my head that were stored and locked at the back of some dark corner.

I was asked why I can't cry properly - the full-on actual CRYING thing following the loss of my wife - I actually thought about it.

I don't have anyone who I feel I can totally 'let go' in front of. Not just on a trust level but an emotional / closeness / intimate level.

Emotions will out though and that's why I turn it back on myself.

I would love to have someone I felt that connected to but it isn't going to happen.

Close friend's partner died so I'm spending time with her, just to be here, to hug, to listen, to share the silence.

Spent a while going through the forms here - - and will do so again today. So far Tribal and Progressive-Psy hit the spot for me.

79.8kg - Excellent! And with being out and walking more today that should drop further. Love it.

Target? None, I'll just know.

Adding a semicolon tattoo to the growing collection tomorrow. Right ring finger location.

I'm thinking bright orange or bright purple.

80.7kg is what the scales say tonight.

Less is more, right?

"We have these big myths of addiction and sobriety, that getting clean is always a brand new start, that it's all it takes. Sometimes all it does it let you have clear-eyed view of how badly you fucked everything up and how there's nowhere else to go."

Needed to start moving.
Did not want to.
The White Panda - Bambooyah - played loud
That worked.

Cat brought a tiny creature in, dropped it. Much furniture moved to try and rescue it but cat got it first. One tiny dead creature.
5 mins later...
Cat brings another tiny creature in, drops it, starts to chase it.
I caught cat, shut him upstairs. Moved even more furniture and caught the furrball. Released it close to the fence outside. Yay!

I've left all the furniture out of place - much dust to be cleaned tomorrow.

Be the change you want to see .....

Starting a is easy - a few clicks. But maintaining it will be hard.
It would need to have the right tone and be moderated to keep that.
It would need rules about what cannot be discussed / shown.
But it would need to be welcoming and safe for us - people with mental health issues.

I'd like to start one but I can't do this on my own.

Interested in helping? Or if you want to take the lead I'm happy to join.

Did the psychiatrist call? No, just as I expected.

On the upside, I deliberately cleaned a bit of the kitchen floor. That made the rest look worse, so I cleaned that. I have a clean floor so that's a positive for the day.

"A darkness carried in the heart cannot be cured by moving the body from one place to another."

A Piece of Strange

This looks good.

"Patient-written clinic letters. Because subjective one-sided analysis is for everyone!"

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