Pointless activity of the month - appt with psychiatrist.
She'll do nothing.
She'll tell me it's just grief
Waste . Of . Time.

SH'd in public with colleagues and no-one noticed - why would they? Last thing they'd expect to be seeing. It helped though.
Managed to NOT walk off a hotel balcony. Dreams said walk, brain said walk. So I just didn't move at all.
Horrible week. Safer now.

. Celebrity .

The web page images vs the actual people...

Working outside the house - in the pub - for the first time.
Part of the reason is get out the house. Part is to at least meet other people.
There's no-one else here
Quiet...

Need to remember to start stretching an ear cart piercing later..

Want an example of a terrible Support page?

bpdworld.org/Online-Support.ht

Given it might be looked at by someone desperate for help at that moment the main content being blank will feel like a massive "Fuck You Too"

That page needs changing.

Zoe Quinn's role in the death of Alek Holowka is - again - fuelling all the negativity about .

Thanks for that

/s

Are in bed with ?

Given that will not block or using a file in a way that lets you block ANY OTHER SITE I can only believe that Mozilla are taking money from the .

On my way home after spending almost 2 weeks supporting a friend after her partner's sudden death.
It's done me good to get out of my bubble, and it was good that I could be there, but I am shattered.
Not physically but mentally I'm done in.

Back to my normal I go.
Silence and memories await.

I just had my first ever British Rail coffee.
There will never be a second.

I wrote some words.
nihilist.io/2019/08/29/trying-

If you have how do you tell people how your head does not work like theirs does?

Talked to my GP recently about my depression. He asked about my 'plan'. I've had the same 'plan' for years. It's well rehearsed in my mind.
it does not involve medicattion,
He knows that
Psychiatrust knows that
It's written down

GP decides to slash my meds to weekly scripts.;

Why? I have no idea.

Talk honestly to GP? Never again.

Back at my friend's place supporting her. Brings into sharp contrast how many people she has around that care about her, talk to her, recognise her and hug her compared to my bereavement experience and current life.
Not going to get down about it now, not here, but when I get home I'll feel it.

people - a question.
Do you have a need, a real deep down need, to be loved?
Not just wanted, or liked, but loved.
I know most people want to be loved but I mean a need that is integral to your being.

If you do, how do you cope when there is no-one to love you?

Nowhere online has any answers or even clues.
Nowhere offline does either.

"This too shall pass"

I know this, but it doesn't stop this being shit right now, does it?

Would really like to alter my reality for the rest of the day. All I have is 30mg tabs and 2mg tabs. Not that I ever have anything different, in fact the diazepam is new.
4:1 should do the job I reckon, put my mind in a better place for a while.

At least it's not

The conversation I had last night has opened boxes in my head that were stored and locked at the back of some dark corner.

I was asked why I can't cry properly - the full-on actual CRYING thing following the loss of my wife - I actually thought about it.

I don't have anyone who I feel I can totally 'let go' in front of. Not just on a trust level but an emotional / closeness / intimate level.

Emotions will out though and that's why I turn it back on myself.

I would love to have someone I felt that connected to but it isn't going to happen.

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