Ponder the words 'productive' and 'productivity' and notice whether you feel any disquiet which manifests as a feeling /sensation in your body.
This feeling might be labelled 'urgency', 'lack', 'anxiety' etc.
Drop the label, and sit with the feeing/sensation for a while.
Note whether it has a size shape, weight, colour or density.
Note the space around the borders of the area. Keep switching your attention back and forth between the space and the area.
Check how you feel now.
MH, personal rant, gaslighting.
I see a lot of people using the term "gaslighting" in reference to being lied to by a company or the government or by some capitalist power structure.
It's at best, misusing the word and it frankly does as much of a disservice to victims of gaslighting as ableist terms do to the disabled.
If you've never seen what gaslighting, in the pure definition that comes from its play origins, does to a person, lucky you. It's fucking horrifying.
Knock it the fuck off.
I also visited the park that sits on top of the massive Victorian cemetery that many of those that died in the slum that inspired my #ttrpg were interred in, today.
Took some photos, thought about the place and how quiet and beautiful it was. It's the first time I've visited the place I've read so much about. It felt familiar.
Also had the game design forum at RPGNet rip apart my #ttrpg core mechanics, all very constructively. So I have some redesigning to do I think. It's all obvious stuff I should have picked up on (variable, per-skill target numbers, for example).
I think the redesign might tighten up the core mechanic and theme though, so it's all good.
Manchester was HOT today. Took youngest and @Jo to the cinema and all-you-can-eat at Peachy Keens; and caught a little of the Pride parade. It was a great day for it and you could feel the love in the air. Great day out. ❤️🌈
@Stephen Thanks for the follow Stephen - welcome to the Fediverse!
Sorry for the lack of my usual spammy toots, all. Monday's counselling was positive but my head is a bit bouncy with things that came up. Normal service will resume in due course.
Cue a picture of a tubby middle-aged nerd playing noughts and crosses on a blackboard, with a weird clown doll watching on.
Woke at 5am though I suspect I'll drop off again. Some of the things I discussed in my first therapy session are REALLY in my head. Whole new ways of looking at the past four years (and in part, the problematic decade that came before). Things that make me feel...valid (?)
This is weird and positive and quite scary. I kind of feel like crying. I feel less angry. Or maybe, I understand that the anger is meaningless and I can use that energy more positively elsewhere, including for myself.
It might be nice to outsource my social media to India, they can filter out the low quality memes, the hate and shitposts, then send me a weekly summary to my email. If that works it then they can interact with my friends pretending to be me, wish then happy birthday and congratulations for major life events. If I get invited to something they can let me know and book it into my calendar. If that works out then maybe one of them can come over here and do all that irl too. Living the dream then
I start seeing a counsellor tomorrow. It's almost four years since "stuff happened" and I lived and worked through some frankly horrifying shit. I'm not looking forward to revisiting it with a stranger, even though I've played out that exact scenario, with hope, in my head for a long time.
Putting all my mindfulness skills to use at the moment and have been distracting myself all day. It'll be fine, I'm sure. It's just a bit scary. 😕
Dev. AppSec/InfoSec guy. Writer. Hubs. Dad. Punk of Many Colours. Mental Health First Aider & Advocate. Middle-aged Northern Brit. Sweary. Simplifying life.
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